It's been six years today since you left this world. It's not the same without you, and I don't think I will ever get used to it. Sometimes I think I see you, but it's only someone who, at a glance, reminds me of you with a certain mannerism, height, hair color, etc. It's always disappointing when I realize, "It can't be." I dream of you sometimes. In my dreams, you come back to us. Then I wake up, and the dreams are shattered.
I remember the day you passed, where I was, what I did, what I said. "Is he awake yet?" No. "Why not? When will he wake up?" I still wonder that. Or rather, when I will sleep. I hate that you had to be in that cold, impersonal, sterile hospital, but I know that your spirit was already gone by then, and I do take comfort in that.
I don't remember the days following your passing. I vaguely remember the funeral and the graveside service. I remember your Masonic brothers who were such a support. They still think of you, too. And I remember a few days later, hugging my dear husband, who was barely hanging on as boyfriend at that time, and while I was seeking comfort, he was cheering on the Astros on the TV behind me. Funny, the things we remember. And those things we forget.
Not a day goes by that you're not thought of and missed. There is something every single day that reminds me of you. Today, it was cooking bacon, among other things. My heart hurts that my children don't have their Papaw. You were such a positive influence in their lives. They miss you, and I so wanted you to see them grow up, succeed, and become responsible adults.
Daddy, do you remember when I thought you could fix everything including a broken record? You could! In my eyes, you could do anything!
Mom is so lonely without you. She talks non-stop to anyone who will listen. She says I have never completely grieved, and she's probably right. I wish I could - just let it all out - but I can't. I think if I went back to that crying place in my soul that I would never get out of it. The mental trauma is just too much to handle.
The world hasn't been the same since you died. It never will be. Everything is pretty much the same from day to day. I try not to let myself think about it, just block it out and pretend like everything is okay. But it's not. I just miss you so much, Daddy! I love you!
Here are some other posts about my dad: